aries, the sacred pioneer
Dear Not Self- Dear Universe- Dear Get that BITCH out…haha….
Haha, so the term get that bitch out is something I picked up from my boyfriend of almost 11 years. It means what it sounds like. Sometimes you just need to- get that bitch out. Let it out. Scream, dance, sing, flail around, shake your body and GET IT OUT! And that’s exactly what this upcoming Mars/Saturn conjunction tomorrow April 10th is making me want to do. There is so much tension for me regarding my work and vocation. Mars wants to initiate things and get things moving. Saturn slows things down. And right now, no one is saying yes to me, and on my end, needing to say no to things and battle with my imposter syndrome, just ONE MORE TIME!
A conjunction is when two planets join together. This joining of Mars and Staurn is beginning a new two year story between them, wherever they are in your chart. The story can pertain to anything you are wanting to build, solidify, and grow in your life ( SATURN) This planet is bumping into the ways in which you initiate, act and assert our ambitions ( MARS )
We’ve also just had a total solar eclipse in Aries near the North Node this past Monday, conjunct Chiron the wounded healer. My 11th house of social groups and humanitarian concerns, social justice and service in the group, is ruled by Aries. Aries wants to lead, and this archetype is designed to embolden us to lead with courage. To be pioneering wherever it lives in our chart. In one of my healing groups for survivors it was my turn to lead the circle. I was tasked with sharing my edge healing journey. I shared that I wanted to de-stigmatize the word Incest. Incest is the one word I never hear being used in any childhood sexual abuse survivor circles. Why is that? Why can’t we say it? It’s such a taboo and dirty word, and I’m honestly sick of feeling like I should make my abuse sound more palatable by saying oh ya, my dad molested me for 18 years, and avoid calling myself and incest survivor. There is so much weight to this word. So much shame. The only way we loosen this shame is if we talk about it. I’m not even saying one people MUST call themselves an Incest Survivor when this was their experience, they have a right to identify their experience in the way that Feels most comfortable and aligned for them absolutely! For me, and my path, it helps me feel free from my shame when I SAY THE WORD. There are many layers to my story. My dad did in fact treat me like a girlfriend. He conditioned me to be his lover. Truly this is what happened to me. And I KNOW there are others out there like me, and they need to see themselves. They need to know they are not the only ones to have experienced being conditioned, manipulated, brainwashed, and abused sexually by a family member or one who plays a familial role in your life. Have we become too PC to call something what it is anymore? Or am I also just, perhaps, stuck in the 90’s and we just don’t call what happened to me Incest anymore? Are those days over? I take issue with that. Because, the word itself still has weight and darkness to it. We are not done shedding the light there. If we were, there wouldn’t be any issues saying it in the public sphere. We are more comfortable putting everyone under a Childhood-Sexual Abuse ( CSA ) umbrella.
My greatest dream and mission in my life, since I crawled out of the cave of shame and abuse I was in 22 years ago, has been to FREE MYSELF. I am not what happened to me. It does not define who I am. The childhood incestuously abusive experience that my own father inflicted on to me, for over 18 years of my life, says nothing about me, and everything about him. I want people to know what this experience was like for me. So that we can better understand perhaps why it happens, so we can perhaps prevent it from happening more. And THIS is a VERY CHIRON( Wounded healer ) in Aries( PIONEER, LEADER) moment in my 11th house of social conscious, and social groups- Moment. Aries is about being self-serving, and says when we free ourselves FIRST, when we put on our mask FIRST, THIS is what helps others. But not before then. I must follow my truth. I must keep de-shaming and reclaiming the power of my own words and self-expression, because it HEALS ME. Those who resonate will gain what they gain, but it isn’t my responsibility what ends up serving them. It is TRULY more than ok, and more than necessary to serve my needs first. This is a deep wound I’m healing and releasing, within the landscape of surviving Incest Abuse.
