Justice through Grace
Forgiveness: The anniversary of Justice through Grace
18 years ago today, April 5th 2004, at 25 years old- I stood in open court in Long Beach California and watched my dad walk into the room, with shackles on his wrists, and ankles. It was sentencing day, and the sound of his forward march was haunting the space like a black ocean, clapping in slow, low pitched cycles of shuffle and repeat. The rattle of those chains seemed to symbolize the un-forgiving cast on his life, set forever in that moment. Like an emblem on his soul with the interpretation, forever ringing; you are bound to this responsibility. The eyes of the law are on you now. You may never break free from our gaze, as we name you. And you are forever shamed in our hallowed halls. So walk thee forward, in these chains, Evermore.
I didn’t press charges against my father for molesting me for 17+ years as a child, to receive any justice. I didn’t do it to get back at him, or to punish him, or to find any relief from what I suffered. Punishing him enough or getting back at him just doesn’t feel possible in my eyes. The kind of relief those endeavors seek, is an ever winding path of struggle. Layers upon layers of moving parts through time and space. With nightmares, aha moments, and often staring down the gauntlet of fear clinched anxiety daily. Evermore….
Why I brought a case against him was to bring the truth of what was done to me, out in the open. So people could see who he really was. Who he is, was a lie. He was living in his own sick fantasy, In the dark, alone, and I wanted him outed. Once I outed him, I might be able to protect other children from becoming his future victims. He was talking about having more children with his then girlfriend, just 4 years older than me at the time. Not on my watch.
As I reflect back, on this day, now 18 years in my rear view, Im starting to see this idea of justice in a new light. I think justice is the great truth serum. It’s the great truth seeker, and we need this truth so we can shine its light on the darkness. But once that light is shining on the darkness, then what? Do we send the darkness away? Do we lock it up and throw away the key, like we did my dad? What if this darkness, is a key we need to end it all?
We don’t often like to be with the darkness of those that have harmed us. We avoid tending to it. And we don’t like to allow their darkness to be a part of our healing process. Ive always felt in my heart that hurt people, hurt people. And more recently I’ve felt that until they can be included, as a partner in the healing; like the fire of rage, breaking down the old to create the new, we will only continue to repeat the cycle of pain. Including them can even be, a place we go within ourself. It doesn’t have to mean you contact them directly. There are things that need to happen before any of that in my mind.
Forgiveness is one of those for me….
But before I explore forgiveness( because truly this is STILL an exploration for me) I want to make something clear first. These adults that have abused children, need to shine some of this forgiveness on themselves first, and that’s a mighty first step. To be able to say “ I see you, and you are not me, and I have done harm but I won’t believe you. I won’t let you talk me into thinking that I am the darkness that I feel.” I have done harm to others. I have acted in ways that have torn and broken those I should have protected and loved. I have failed. And I take responsibility” This is a TALL TALL order, I know. But what other way do we have? We need them. We need their willingness to explore their own darkness.
They hold the key to the beginning and end of this cycle. They have the key to unlock their own shame, and it can be through our grace, if they are willing to be seen by us. I don’t claim to have all the answers, and I’m not standing on a podium spouting beliefs. This is merely an invitation I’ve felt calling me for years, and I am exploring it. To begin to look at them, as me. This is grace…
I don’t know what the next steps are for me, as I navigate this next faze of my healing. But today I do know that true justice is never won alone. I need my community, and I need to be witnessed. I need my own shame and darkness to be seen. I need to give the weight of its burden to my neighbors. To my fellow survivors, and to the greater wheel of society, because it’s much too heavy to carry on my own. We are not meant to carry it alone. It’s taken me a long time to take my place in this circle, in the vulnerability of my darkness. But its starting to loose its power and control over me. My confidence is blossoming, and the darkness is starting to feel like it belongs somewhere. It’s starting to see that the illusion of separateness was the cause of its pain. This darkness my father gave me, belongs with the light of truth and in the open heart of testimony. Because the great lie he was, is being dissolved through me. Grace may enter my heart space once again. And in this moment, my pain and hurt, dissolve into the light. Evermore.
