The Price has been PAID
Today I remembered something my God Mother Dawn said to me some 20 years ago, when I began my healing journey. It has stuck with me all these years. It’s wisdom has slowly unraveled layer by layer, as it circles many different timelines, in and around my consciousness. She said to me, “You’ve already paid the price sweetheart. You’ve already survived this great injustice to your body by your father. There is no greater thing than this contribution and legacy, that you SURVIVED THIS. You don’t need to do anymore than this.” The wisdom in this statement has been actively seeping, deeper and deeper inside me over the years like a breathing riddle. A living mantra. Have you ever heard wisdom that strikes you at your core so deep inside you, that you know its going to take you years and years to actually FIND IT IN THERE? Like, get to know it? Like where did you go beesh? haha. Ooooo that was good! ahhh that went DEEP!! And It’s already so deeply you, that you don’t even KNOW this you yet, and now you’re gonna need to go on a life long journey to find this you. Well this wisdom was already a part of me on that very day. It was me, but also somehow my future self calling me forward.
Well today, this future forward self, struck again…She said, “You don’t have to be anything more than who you are right now, right here today. You already survived. PERIOD. You can show up as the person you are right now in this moment. So this means, I can speak in the moment about what inspires me, regarding my experience with surviving incest, and it doesn’t need to be perfect.Even this blog post… doesn’t need to be perfect, BLAH!! I already did the hardest part. SURVIVE. I don’t have to make perfect sense, when I speak and show up, because what I went through makes no sense at all really. And I’m here to be with it in real time, so that maybe we can all make sense of it collectively together. Because I definitely cant do this alone.
The way this wisdom lives in me, is all about how I feel in the moment. When I think about how profound this Mantra is for me, I get goosebumps, because it makes me feel alive. I am free of expectation to be a particular way. So much of my existence as a child was for other people, namely my father, my abuser. My body wasn’t my own, and he taught me that. If my body belonged to him, and he could do whatever he pleased with it, than this must be true for everyone else. I belong to others, and not myself. A conditioning I’ve been unraveling and shedding for the past 20 years now. I have survived the thing, and now it’s time to go out and live and know that right now I am perfect. I am eternal. I paid the price with the death of my innocence, and now it’s time for me to claim my prize. And that prize is the open free road that my pain has carved. Freedom.
