What would Unconditional love have me know today?
What would unconditional love have me know today?
It would say,
There is nothing to fear. I am here with you, I am you. You are not alone.
I remember my first fear as a child. This fear gripped me so tightly, that my entire body and throat would clinch and tighten with pain. So much pain that it left me without breath at times, unable to speak. I was muted deeply. I had a black cloud over my throat. Adrenaline would course profusely through my body, it made me shake and shiver. “Please don’t leave me alone” I would beg the adults around me. These were the only words I could manage to get out of my body. My greatest fear, was being alone.
When the adults watching over me would ask why I couldn’t bear to be let alone, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I was stuck. I was stuck in deep thick soupy mud. I couldn't find the words. I didn’t consciously even know why. But my body did. My body was trying to send signals to my brain. Run! Run and find someone who can protect you. Because when you are alone, you are not safe. When you are alone, the monster comes. When you are alone, he grabs you, he steals you, he takes your voice, he takes your ability to defend yourself. He paralyzes you. He freezes your will. He destroys your sanctuary. Makes you question who is safe. Confuses your body. I guess this is what dads do I thought. I guess I’m alone. It’s just me. And it’s a kind of death. Over, and over and over again.
I was trained to navigate this confusing reality on my own, of being molested by my father. I developed a very keen survival skill. All of the energy that wanted to run. All of the will to survive, would brew deep inside me, like magma in a volcano. My reality would become quiet in that valcano, and a feeling of stillness would enter my body. When it was just me, all I could hear was my own voice. So I became all that I had. And when you are all that you have. You realize, you are god.
You are the voice of god, living inside of you. The voice that lived there, that was DESPERATE to come out and say something, tell anyone, be brave, start with sounds, try anything to save myself, was me. I began to realize that this voice was really the voice of my heart. My best friend. It would always be there. It would always listen. It would always love me. When this voice inside you is all you have. You vow in some unconscious way to devote yourself to this voice. Honestly it is because I had built trust with it. It helped me make sense of my reality and my world. And I could trust the feelings coming from me. I could trust myself, when I couldn’t trust the adults around to protect me.
One day when I was around 6 or 7, a knowing came over me. That what my father was doing to me, he was really doing to himself. It wasn’t about me. At this time, I have a memory of looking down at my body, while lying underneath our pomegranate tree. I knew there was a part of me that was greater than my physical form. I knew this voice inside me, which was soft, calm, soothing and gentle, was this greater part of me, and it was who I really was. It had to be who I really was, because it saved me. It guided me. It comforted me. The voice said, you are safe, you are held, you are ok. You will get through this part, just hang on. And I always did get through it. Evidence would gather over the years, that I did keep getting through each episode of abuse with my father. And my voice grew stronger. But it always remained silent. Guiding me from within, and longing to be free. Longing to share what she knew. Longing to share with the world how much we need not fear darkness. Because inside this darkness, is where we find ourselves. I was there all along. I was not alone.
You cannot kill that which is eternal. You cannot take away that which is pure. When that light is the only thing in the dark, it can see itself SO WELL! PERFECTLY IN FACT. How amazing is this?! In that darkness it can shine its brightest. This is what I know. This is my experience. And I am working up the courage to share and speak about those times when I was living in the dark of silence. All of us are doing this in our own lives in some way. And what unconditional love would have me know today is that I have all I will ever need. I am not alone. I am held. I have come here to know and experience the true depth and expansiveness of my being. To spread out and fly. To move and carry my light everywhere I go. To journey, to be brave, to have adventures. To be fully ME. To bask in this deepest part of myself. Because it is my destiny to do so. To know myself and become more of my beautiful self, each and everyday. This is what I know today. This is what love has come to say. When I am alone, I am never, ever, really alone.
