Gifting Myself THE Flowers…
oof…
So Pluto is coming up for me. I’m beginning to realize just how much this planet is part of our souls evolution and spiritual growth, from a past life perspective. Pluto is the seat of our souls evolution and what our soul set up for us to face emotionally in this lifetime. We have the free will to face the emotional wounds represented by Pluto, or not to face them. Either way, we’ll be dealing with the themes of where Pluto lives in our natal charts, consciously or unconsciously.
Pluto sits in the 5th house of my natal chart. The 5th house, for all of us, is about the heart space and is represented by the sign of Leo. It is the space where our creativity lives. It represents the artist, & the inner child. This is the space of “being seen”, on our own personal stage. Acting out and saying “this is what I have to show you” in our own personal “movie”. Whatever it is that we want to express from our heart, to the outside world, lives here. That piece of our true and most pure essence. The part of our inner child, that lives forever. This is our emergence from the parental nurturing that hopefully happens in the 4th house of childhood home, so that by the time we get to the 5th house of creativity, we can be brave, and share our creative voice with the world stage. But we’ve got to learn how to be brave in our own world first.
and so…
For me, this stuff is pretty huge. It means transforming my relationship to my inner artist, and songbird. I used to sing in my fathers band when I was 14 years old. He would control my every musical sound & every move my body made on the stage we shared. Everything I wore, and all of my creative fire. All of my artistic experimentation first had to pass through his controlling gaze and idea of me. I was also manipulated, & molested repeatedly by him for many years during this time. I was trapped in silence by my own father, as his hands crept over my body in the middle of the night, while he was quite literally, usurping my voice, for his own pleasure and material gains. I was his beautiful sweet canary, existing for a time, in the cage of his own imprisoned and abandoned dreams. She wanted out, and she didn’t plan to stay there.
This abuse is clearly represented in my 4th house by Saturn and the North Node in Virgo. The 4th house is all about our childhood home. It is represented by the sign of Cancer and also includes themes regarding our ancestors, as well as their wounded DNA that we inherit. Here in my 4th house I have the -restrictions and karma from my father ( represented by Saturn ) happening in my childhood home, operating within the themes of Cancer ( my dad is a Cancer Sun by the way), which connect us to the moon, to the feminine, and the great physical as well as galactic womb space we all come from.
Let’s pause. Take a deep breath with me…
take this in for just a few seconds…and then let it out- because
Yes, its deep, it’s Pluto
Pluto takes you deeply beyond yourself, to the self you can’t wait to meet…
And so…
I had actual boundaries being broken by my father on my body. With this experience there is a lot of opportunity for me to use the flip-side of this pain to break through old ancestral wounds that were never mine. I’ve known my whole life that even though I was experiencing the most traumatic violations a child can ever experience, I felt in my bones they were not my wounds to carry. They were my dad’s wounds. They were my dad’s own self loathing that he was projecting onto my body. He thought he could somehow transfer his pain onto me. He was seeking revenge against women, & his mom, for not protecting him from abuse he experienced as a child. He actually said these words to my face.
But I am Pluto, taking back her power, with her art, & with her voice. This to me is the gift, of my own flowers. That Pluto in my 5th house of creativity, is here to recover, reclaim, & transform. Pluto is here to gift me the relationship to my own voice & self-expression. My creative child/heart song & my true essence! Pluto is here to fulfill my need to be seen, to be heard, encouraged and validated!
However, I’m still a soul, having a very human experience. I still feel the need for someone to witness me, so I can keep being brave. Keep sharing who I am, and what I’ve experienced in this public way, on my own stage, and on my own terms. I still so desperately want to make an impact on the world with my story, so that I can change lives and help people heal. But my need for recognition and validation, Leo- 5th house wounds, are here to teach me, to be brave first. Pluto is teaching me not to depend on feedback from others, and not to depend on how people see me. Who says that what everyone else “SEE’S” is correct anyway. The medicine of Leo- 5th house is…
I see ME and I get to receive the gift- of liking what what I see. It’s not possible for anyone else to praise my body better than I can. The most powerful gift I can receive in this lifetime, is the gift of receiving my own praise.
Even though my dad physically tried to take me down with his own self hatred, I’m still here. He didn’t win. My voice still SINGS! I’m learning to love myself fully and continue to take the big brave steps even when no one is watching. Even when no one is over my shoulder encouraging me! I’m learning to say, to myself, “You got this MEGHAN", you can do this Meghan, I see you Meghan, you can jump!” “I’m proud of you Meghan.” You can do the next big, brave crazy thing before you know how to do it. Jumping first, and thinking later.
I’ve been following the voice of my heart, since day ONE! No one can tell me who I am, or who they see. I get to own the frame of that movie myself. Because I get to be the first one to witness & receive my greatness. That is so special. There is SO MUCH POWER IN THAT!
So thank you Pluto. No one ever said you were playful like the Sun,
but it’s been worth the deep dive to the heart,
for my flowers
xoxo
