Feelings on Father’s Day

I’ve always been a feeler. Even right now, before I write this sentence, I want to pause, close my eyes, take a breath, and go to this deep part of me inside and feel, because I love it there. There is so much peace for me there. 

Twenty three years ago when I began my healing journey from incest, my intention was always to remain close to this deep “feeling” part of myself. I knew then intuitively, that this aspect of myself would be what grounded my guidance most. I see now that this aspect of myself has been with me all along, even in the darkest hours of the abuse. 

I think this aspect is true for many survivors of all forms of trauma. Most of us, myself included, are in awe of what the human spirit can handle, and overcome. There is this part of us that digs in and creates a deep root of survival, seemingly out of nowhere to stabilize ourselves. It’s the part of us that no one can see, while it’s happening. We don’t even see it. These inner parts are the higher parts of us. The ones that know the truth. And the best way for me to remain in contact with these inner higher parts, was always to pay attention to how I FEEL. 

I’ve heard so many people over the years express the sentiment that feelings aren’t facts. What good are they? Honestly, I’m just going to skip going into this argument right now, because I know it will throw me off track from the heart of why I’m writing. How do I know it will throw me off? Because I paid attention to how that sentiment made me FEEL. It made me feel shattered. And that’s not ultimately how I want to feel. 

So how did I know that my feelings were going to help me climb out of the oppressive silence I was in with my dad twenty three years ago? I didn’t know with certainty that it would work. I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing. But looking back on it now, this focus has kept me on track. When I could trust my feelings, that meant I could trust my body and the signals it was giving me. When the incestuous abuse is happening to you as a child, you are so confused with the signals your body gives you. You ask yourself things like, Is this love? This is my dad. He is here to raise and protect me. To guide and lead me. He would say things to me like, “We have a special kind of love.”  We are out of the ordinary and on the leading edge. A part of a grand new future coming for humanity that society has yet to understand and accept. We are unique leaders with our love. But this love must be kept between us, because if it isn’t, there is a real possibility it could be destroyed by others. These people will be envious. They won’t understand the depth of this courageous kind of love . It’s too powerful for most people at this current time. 

So how could this groundbreaking kind of love, be bad or wrong? Is my body wrong? The signals coming from outside my body, from him, are the correct ones. He knows the way, because he’s an adult. He knows what real love is, and he’s telling me, society is wrong. We’ve been wrong for centuries. The modern way of traditional families, marriage, and partnership are wrong. Real love can exist with anyone and between any two people who love each other, regardless of age or relation. This is insanely confusing for a child. And insanely confusing to 

decondition from as a young adult. 

My dad used spirituality to brainwash me. He followed the teachings of this organization called Eckancar, the religion of the light and sound of god. Eckancar was founded by a man named Paul Twitchell. Twithcell was a devout follower of Buddhist teachings, and was once affiliated with L. Ron Hubborn in the late 50’s, just as Dianetics, Scientology’s seminal work, was being written. Paul was an editor for some of L. Ron Hubbords first manuscripts and publications. I don’t know the exact timeline of events, but eventually around this time, after a couple of trips to India, Paul had decided to write and publish his own books and teachings. These books would later serve as the foundation for this new religion Eckancar he formed, sometime around the early 60’s. Of course the subject of reincarnation was part of their core principle.

One of the ways my dad would manipulate and brainwash me with their dogma, was when he would tell me we were lovers in a past life, and we still want to be together. Who can tell us any differently? We get to make our own rules. I used to think it was me that was giving him the yes signals to go ahead and touch me and molest me at night when we were in bed. Especially when my body would respond to the touching, in a way that signaled to him, I was receiving pleasure from it. Once the pleasure response came from my body, and then to him, I felt trapped. This is my body saying yes, but not the other parts of me that knew it didn’t feel right, saying yes. Because it’s my body, I must want this. I’m asking for this. Can I trust my body?

He had already connected us, without my consent, in those first moments of violating me. 

So how could I question that? These were my first sexual experiences at 4 and 5 years old. So when I got a little older at like 9 and 10 and it was still happening to me, I just assumed- that yes he is right. We must have been bonded before I was born, because look, the love is still here. 

Children have an inherent love, and interest to connect with their parents. First for survival, on the instinctual level. I would argue, as equally instinctual to us, is a desire to learn what love is. I was learning at an early age, before I could understand what memories really are, that love between a father and daughter was sexual physical touch. These are some of my first memories and bonds formed with my dad. And they have taken me years and years to release from my body. I’m not sure if one can ever unlearn these. But what I do know is that the more I forgive, love, and nurture my body and how I feel towards my body and its signals, the more I trust myself. The more I trust myself, the more confident I feel and the more I can enjoy my life. Which has been the ultimate goal in my recovery. There was no way I was going to let what happened to me define me. This love from him was a lie. The feelings I had about myself and my life, those were the truth. The truth was my body, that he came to own when I had no authority to call it mine. But somehow, as I developed, and kept close to those inner higher parts, they saw me through. They became my light in the dark. Soon he could no longer control me. At 21 years old, I began to really feel the light inside me take over. It had always been there. The light was connected to my feelings. They were the frequency of my authentic self, that he could never destroy. That part of me. A light that we all have, no matter what happens to us. And when we dare to feel it, cultivate it, stretch it, expand in it, and believe in it. There is nothing we cannot survive. Absolutely. Nothing.